[personal profile] stunningflowermachines
I truly love America, let me say. However, I also truly hate American cheese -- not as much by a long shot, but I still do. Nonetheless, I have finally found a use for American cheese! After you have negative-one-cheese pizza, the next cheese you eat will be cancelled out anyway, so you might just as well eat American cheese and get it cancelled out. It's like flavor landfill for your anticheese debts.

Mostly, I just liked that last sentence.

Negative-One-Cheese Pizza

Pizza Dough, 18", pre-baked, store bought, what?, don't look at me like that, it's tasty that way
1 can (10 oz.) tomato paste
1/2 tsp. oregano, fresh
1/2 tsp. oregano, stale, regrettable
1 Four-Cheese Pizza, full baked and ready to eat
1 Five-Cheese Pizza, full baked and ready to eat
1 Vegan Pizza, with fake nasty cheese, fully baked and ready to eat

First of all, understand that there are a lot of really incredible Vegan dishes out there and you should check them out. Much love to the Vegans and I mean it. However, Vegan pseudocheese pizza is not one of those dishes. Seriously, make a portobello ciabatta instead, guys.

Throw out Vegan pizza and stale, regrettable oregano. Ideally, compost it, but I'm not here to judge. I'm here to get you pumped up on pizza.

Hook up four-cheese and five-cheese pizzas with partially osmotic connecting tubes to create a cheese-count differential and create a one-directional cheese flow. Place Maxwell's Demon within the cheese and ask him to help you with the cooking.

Spread tomato paste and oregano on pizza crust. Hook crust up with other two pizzas using more partially osmotic tubing. Then pantomime spreading mozzarella on pizza crust while Maxwell's Demon extracts cheese from your pizza to counter the tonicity of cheese in the Five-Cheese Pizza. Collapse cheese waveform until you wind up with a negative-one-cheese pizza.

Once meal is prepared, lose consciousness from the wild violations of the Second Law of Quesodynamics.

Wake up and enjoy delicious pizza. Serves six or negative six, depending on your orientation.
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May 2012

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